In Maple 2, we have just started reading Clockwork, a fabulous short story by Philip Pullman. At the beginning of the story, we meet Herr Ringelmann, Karl and Fritz in the White Horse Tavern on a winter’s day in a little German town. We learn that Karl is about to finish his apprenticeship as a clock-maker and that Fritz, a novelist, is about to tell his latest ghost story.
Your challenge is to imagine that you are one of the guests sitting comfortably in the tavern as these characters have their conversations. Using the slow writing technique, write a paragraph to describe your experience.
Sentence 1: Use the past perfect tense.
Sentence 2: Use a colon.
Sentence 3: Use a subordinate clause.
Sentence 4: Use dialogue.
Sentence 5: Use the past progressive tense.
Sentence 6: Use a fronted adverbial.
Karl
Karl had started to make his unique figure for the Town’s substantial clock.
This had not gone as well as he had expected : his plan backfired.
If he were to have tried again, he would have had a figure already.
Since he hadn’t made one yet, he would look like a fool in front of the whole town.
” Everything I do is a failure and it always will be : I am a failure.” muttered Karl to himself.
He was thinking so hard but every solution he thought of, would not work.
Unfortunately, the day before the display came…
Redraft = Daisy.
At last I had made it. Excitement bubbled up inside me: I was in the White Horse Tavern waiting for the next day to arrive. The day when all of the apprentice clock workers would reveal their final creations for the German town’s substantial clock. As the apprentice of the world famous clockmaker, Herr Ringelmann, would be exhibiting, I expected it would be nothing less than fantastic. A wave of nervous excitement flooded through me at the thought of meeting my idol for I had followed Herr Ringelmann’s work from boyhood. My cheeks became flushed, not by the fire, by these very thoughts and my palms became moistened. Suddenly, the tavern doors burst open and a distinct figure strolled in … momentarily, I forgot to breathe …
Redraft = Gabi
At last I had made it : I was one step closer to achieving my dream. One day closer to be precise ; this was my chance to witness the famous Glockenheim clock in the centre of a German town. I had come all this way because tomorrow will be the day the astonishing figure will be revealed and I’ll set eyes on it first.
“What if they don’t show up? “I mumbled to myself. I was going to explode from excitement… my blood was boiling…tomorrow morning , I WILL be there.
Karl and Herr Ringelmann had walked to the ancient tavern.”What would you like to drink Karl?”Asked Herr Ringelmann.
“I would like a pint of beer to celebrate the end of my apprenticeship.” announced Karl.
Karl had walked to sit in the back of the tavern:he had not finished his clock-work figure.
Herr Ringelmann asked “Hey Karl why aren’t you being jolly?”whilst he walked away.
“Karl my man,”Said a mysterious man called Fritz was asking Karl if he was ok. Suddenly
Karl turned around to talk to Fritz.”Leave me alone!”
We have noticed that we have made a mistake
“What would you like to drink Karl?” (Asked Herr Ringelmann.)
Redraft
I had never been there before, but that evening for the first time ever I had found myself in The White Horse Tavern. Looking back, it was one of the best days of my life: it was an extraordinary experience. Just after I had finished my fifth drink, the door opened with a ferocious bang. Two inexplicable men approached the bar man. “Karl, what would you like to have?” he out-spurted while serving all the other fellow costumers. A man I had actually recognized was the man himself – Herr Ringelmann. He was chatting away to his friend Karl,”Hey let’s celebrate!”
“Na I’m good.”Said Karl. Suddenly, Herr Ringelmann turned around in astonishment “Why not?”he said but Karl just walked away.
As I had entered the tavern,the first thing that caught my eye was the monument.
A man walked over to me:he saw I was a newcomer.
This man was dressed in black, he seemed like he was trying to be helpful.
“What do you need help with sir.” said the man in black.
“Nothing, don’t worry, bye.” I said.
I found out ,when I was walking, that this place was jam-packed with people.
Next night, I went to sleep.
redraft – I worked with Lee
The shelves had been covered in dozens of intricate figures made by clock-makers. I did not turn until a man’s rubbery boot touched down before me; the man wondered who I was:his quickfire empty questioning glance gave it all away. I got up and walked away. As I did, the man asked,”Why are you going?” I reconsidered replying and just stayed quiet. People began re-conning me with surreptitious glances. At that moment, I realised I am all but an unfamiliar face to these people.
Redraft
That afternoon, confusion overtook me, making my thoughts strange, making me wonder where I could venture that night. As I noticed the title,’White Horse Tavern’ I set foot in there. As I had entered the tavern, the first thing which had caught my eye was dozens of intricate clockwork models. A man walked over to me: he didn’t recognise me – I was a newcomer. This man was dressed in black; his clothes were made of cotton. “What do you need help with sir?” asked the man in black.
“Nothing.Don’t worry. Bye,”I replied. As I walked away to explore, I noticed that this tavern was jam-packed with people. After a day of eventful activities, I went to sleep so I would be energized the next day.
Fritz, who was amazing at writing ghost stories, had finished his lasted new book.
Here is a list of things that Karl likes to do: Invent clocks, celebrate and enjoy himself. Because Karl does not think he is going to be able to finish or start his clock for his town he now feels frustrated.
” I wish i never took this job, ” muttered Karl.
“What do you mean, you have just finished your brand new Invention for the town, haven’t you?” asked Herr Ringelmann (his boss of the clock making business).
“Well not really, I started it then i gave up,” replied Karl.
“I will help you to make the best clock this town has ever seen, well after the meeting until then just pretend,” replied Herr Ringelmann with a shocked voice.
Fritz was walking over to Karl and Herr Ringelmann. Before the darkness approached over the town, Karl and Herr Ringelmann got on their hands and knees and created the best clock in town.
clockwork
Fritz had noticed that Karl was feeling upset.
Karl was depressed : he hadn’t finished his clockwork figure and he thought everyone would think he was rubbish because he was in a different perspective.
Fritz , who was a friend to everyone, whispered , “Are you feeling ok? “.
Karl muttered under his breath, ” I hate being Herr Ringlemann’s apprentice !”.
Fritz was walking away from Karl to calm Karl down so that he wouldn’t get aggressive like an angry bull .
Suddenly, Karl announced,” I don’t want to live any longer- I will jump of the cliff and make peace with the ice , and what I mean is I’m committing … suicide…” and
that’s the last word the universe ever heard Karl say…to be continued.
Redraft:
People had told me about an amazing tavern in the local streets near the clock tower and now I was here. Surreptitious looks followed me as I walked in: I was a new- comer after all. After I had had my first drink, the door opened.
The man muttered under his breath,”Give us a drink!”
While the bar tender was filling up his drink, he replied, ” Alright alright hold your horses.”
I turned to him.”Hi, I’m Karmen, a novelist from Spain; I’m here to see my brother’s novel.”
With a mouth full of bitterness, he replied, “I’m Karl – a terrible no-good-clock-maker-apprentice.”
Suddenly, the lights faded: it was story time.
My brother shouted, “Quiet – I’m reading.”
I had pondered for several weeks what Karl was going to unveil tomorrow at the grand clock.
However, Karl had started to grieve: he had not completed his figure for the clock.
Because of this, the novelist, Fritz, came over to make sure that Karl was ok.
“What’s the matter Karl? You look like you have swallowed a thundercloud!” Fritz implied soothingly.
I was feeling sorrow for Karl but I also thought that he gives up too easily.
Because of this, you may think that all clock-makers give up fast but you mustn’t have prejudice against them.
Redraft
I had pondered for several weeks what Karl would unveil at the end of his apprenticeship. This is essential: it is when boys become men. Because the White Horse Tavern was noisy, I could only just hear Karl weeping in the corner. ” I have failed to make a figure for the clock. I’m a failure,” Karl muttered. I was just about to go over to him to see if he was alright when that dastardly novelist Fritz greeted him. I couldn’t bear to be near him again, so I stayed out of it.
Karl felt suicidal that night when Fritz was giving out free alcohol.
They had a conversation then they changed the subject to clocks.
Fritz said, “I had a clock which was 2 years old my granny gave it to me.”
Karl replied”Wouldn’t it of broken.
“Yes it is: I dropped it.When i dropped it i felt bad for my Nan because she gave it to me.”
Then Karl was getting tired so he went home to get some sleep.
The next morning, Karl forgot to do his figure project so he got nervous that he would get told off.
Redraft:
Karl had felt miserable that night when Fritz was arguing with him.
Karl and Fritz started a conversation which then ended up in the subject of clockwork and his figure project.
Fritz said, “I had a clock which was two years old ; my Nan gave it to me.”
Karl replied,”What happened to it?”
“It fell to pieces : I dropped it. I felt desperate because my Nan had given it to me,”
Then Karl was getting tired so he went home to get some sleep.
The next morning, Karl forgot to do his figure project so he got nervous that he would get told off.
Slow Writing:
Theme: Clockwork
“Karl? You know you had to completed the figure for the clock. Did you know that?
Karl showed some gratitude and replied,”What do you want Fritz : I don’t need anything so can you leave?”
Herr Ringelmann had walked in ( Karl’s leader ) and wanted to celebrate his apprenticeship.
“I don’t want anything to do with clocks because I know I’m going to be a failure. When everybody sees me they’ll think I’m a disgrace.”
“Don’t think that way Karl, everybody knows you tried. Does that please you to know that or will nothing work?”
Karl scowled and turned to face the window and was forgetting Fritz even though he was behind him, leaning on his shoulder.His mind focused on the snowy, winter path outside.
Still ignoring him, Karl turned around to check if he was still there. Fritz was gone but Ringelmann was there almost as if he was talking to him all along.
Redraft:
Fritz had been waiting for what felt like ages to celebrate the end of the apprenticeship of this year’s clock maker.
Snow covered the afternoon back-alleys of The White Horse Tavern: the temperature was below zero.
Ice transformed into a liquid which covered the grass creating dew lasting until the morning.
“Why can’t Karl believe in himself? Just this once he has to atleast try and be responsible,” murmured Fritz to himself.
The snow was settling down, almost like a tap becoming clogged up by bacteria.
Still thinking to himself, Fritz witnessed a man wearing a black hood bursting through the door. He took his hood off…
I had sat comfortably in the corner and wondered about the new novel Fritz had written.
Everybody was excited: Fritz’s novels were captivating.
Herr Ringlemann who is a clock maker.
” I hope your new novel won’t give me nightmares,” boomed Herr Ringlemann.
Fritz was looking at Herr Ringlemann with a devilish glint in his eye.
As the fire was crackling, Fritz coughed; picked up his novel, peered over the crowd and the tavern fell silent with excited anticipation.
Redraft:
Comfortably, I had sat in the corner, inside of the White Horse Tavern, and had wondered about the new novel Fritz had written.Everybody was excited: Fritz’s novels were captivating.Herr Ringelmann, who is a clock maker, had a brown wiry red beard.
“I hope your new novel won’t give n-night m-mares,” said Herr Ringelmann frightened.Fritz looked at Herr Ringelmann with a devilish glint in his eye.As the fire was crackling, Fritz coughed, picked up his novel, peered over the crowd and the tavern fell silent with excited anticipation.
‘Comparing this to many other paragraphs I can say this is the best I have done’
It had shocked me. A young man sat in the far corner of the tavern alone.
All gloomy, sorrowful and depressed, like he had been abandoned.
It had surprised me: i have never seen a clock apprentice so glum.
when the whole town will see his fantastic master piece tomorrow.
I went over to Karl and i said “Is everything ok , love?” because i worried for him. But all he replied was “yes.” but the look on his face did not convince me he was really OK.
Although, he said something, he was thing different completely different.
Anxiously, deep down i was scared.
Re-draft:
That evening, things happened that had never happened before. It all started when I noticed a young man sitting in the far corner of the Tavern, gloomy, sorrowful and depressed – as if his whole world had come to an end. It surprised me: I had never seen a clock apprentice so glum, when the whole Town was waiting in anticipation of seeing his final master piece. Before I had finished my second drink, my concerns grew even further, when I realised the young man was muttering to himself. So I went over to him and said, “Is everything ok,love?”
He replied, “Yes.” But the look on his face did not convince me he was really ok. Although he said one thing, he was really thinking something completely different.
“I had to finished the clock last night.” Karl mentioned. (Lilly)
“I had not finished the clock last night.” Karl said sadly. (Kira)
“I’ve had enough : you need to finish it!” Fritz answered. (Lilly)
” you need to finished : you only have 2 days.!” Fritz said worriedly. (Kira)
“Because I didn’t have enough time to make the clock, I wont be able to give it to Herr Ringelman.” Karl explained. (Lilly)
“I know I only have 2 days but the neighbours have loud music so because of that I can’t concentrate.” Karl said frustratingly. (Kira)
“Just pretend you left it at home.” Fritz said hoping Herr Ringelmann will believe them.(Lilly)
“Just put ear phones in they you wont hear them”. said Fritz happily. (Kira)
” It was hard to make Fritz, he won’t believe me.” Karl stated. (Lilly)
” I was going to but I still heard them .” replied Karl (Kira)
Redraft: Kira and Lilly
Fritz approached Karl in a jovial manner.
“Cheer up Karl.Why are you so down?” he inquired.
Karl’s heart was pumping fast.”I had to finish the clock last night but I couldn’t get motivated!”
From the corner of the room,large foot steps approached Karl.
“I’ve had enough.You need to get it finished!” Herr Ringelman boomed.
“I know; it needs to be given in tomorrow but it’s so difficult.There are so many petite parts to use,” Karl explained,sinking into his chair. Karl could not believe he had let Herr Ringelman down. He knew he was a total failure. He slowly walked away and was soon gone from The White Horse Tavern.
On the first sentence we forgot the inverted commas at the end
Slow Writing
Theme: Clock work
Karl had walked towards the tavern when a sudden thought struck his Lilliputian brain…As he walked in his face dropped : he saw Herr Ringlemann. While Karl stared at Herr Ringlemann Fritz says to Karl,” can’t wait to see the clock you have done.”
“Oh yes” mumbled Karl. Karl thought I was supposed to complete the figure but I didn’t . Quietly he said, ” WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!!!”
Re-draft:
Karl had walked into the tavern when a sudden thought struck his Lilliputian mind. As he walked in, his face dropped; he saw Herr Ringelmann. While Karl stared at him,Fritz said to Karl,” Cannot wait to see the clock you have made.”
“Oh yes,”mumbled Karl. He thought while he was drinking,” I was supposed to complete the figure ages ago but I didn’t: I’m a failure.” Quietly, he said,”What am I going to do!” An intense expression spread across his face.
As Karl had entered the tavern,my eyes caught a glimpse of a statue of a grandfather clock swinging in the air. Karl loved to make clocks : his grandparents made clocks for a living. Karl who had been a clock maker for 12 years his apprenticeship come to an end.
REDRAFT
The door had opened.Karl entered the tavern; his eyes homed in on a statue of a grandfather clock swaying in the air. Karl had grown up around clocks and making them: his parents made them for the town’s clocks. Karl,who had been a clock maker for 12 years, was unhappy.
Stuck in this wretched tavern, I had listened to this conversation for over an hour.
It was quite a nightmare: listening to this conversation had me happily falling asleep. Their conversations were interesting in many ways even though they evolved into many arguments. ” Why are you all arguing?” I asked them gently.
“We didn’t mean for it to sound like we were arguing,” they replied quietly.
So slowly, I walked out of the tavern and let them carry on talking because I couldn’t be bothered to listen anymore.
Redraft:- Madison
Stuck in this wretched tavern, I had been waiting in the queue for over an hour. As it got unbelievably long, I complained to the bar attendant: the waiting time was too long. Just before I had reached the front of the queue, someone barged passed me and took my place! “Excuse me- I was there,” I shouted to the person in front of me.
“I have to go to the doctors,” he replied. So slowly, I walked back over to my table so that there weren’t any arguments that day.
Re draft:
It was mid afternoon; we had been in the tavern for about half an hour to celebrate my grandson’s birthday. We had decided to come to this special tavern; there was an inventive story teller to come to tell a ghost story. The celebration was amazing until Karl came in with a face like thunder. As he stomped to the bar, he shouted at my grandson, ” GET OUT OF MY WAY!”
I was heading to the bar when I saw Karl shouting at my grandson and I told him to stop shouting at my grandson. Suddenly, the police had walked in and told Karl to stop yelling.
Redraft
I had been stuck in this wretched tavern listening to endless conversations for hours and hours. It was quite a nightmare: it made me so tired I fell asleep. When I saw the door bang open… “Who is he?” shouted Fritz.
“I am K….K…Karl,” replied Karl quietly. Fritz was walking up to him; Karl hid from him. Luckily, he was very friendly and they became friends from then on.
Wow Daniel , I liked your use of the ellipsis and dialogue
Re draft:
Fritz, who had just finished his new book, was drinking his very first drink at the White Horse Tavern. Fritz is a good friend of a boy named of Karl. Here is a list of things that he likes to do: invent clocks, celebrate and of course spend time with his friends and family. Because Karl doesn’t think he can start or finish his clock in time, he thinks that he is a big failure.
“I wish I had never taken this job,”muttered Karl.
“What do you mean – you have just finished the clock for the town, haven’t you?” asked Herr Ringelmann.
“Well…,” replied Karl.
“Ow, that is the most disgraceful news I have ever heard. You do realise that as soon as the bell rings tomorrow you will look stupid!” replied Herr Ringelmann, trying to end the talk.
Fritz was walking over to Karl. Before the darkness aproached the town, Karl tried to start to make the clock.
FIRST DRAFT
I had leaned off my chair to hear him better. I tensed my face :I was filled with fear . I was frightened although I new it was just a story .
Herr Ringelmann whispered ,”This is a true page turner .”
Fritz whispered ,”Shh…!”
I was shaking until the gory part ended . The dead of night was when the story ended.
SECOND DRAFT
I had leaned on my creaking chair to hear him better. I tensed my face: I was filled with suspense. I was petrified although I knew it was just a ghost story – they’re supposed to be scary.
Herr Ringelmann whispered, “This is a truly gruesome tale.”
Fritz whispered, “Shh…!”
I was cringing until the gory part ended. The dead of night was when the story ended.